Seriously, I hate Valentines Day. I suppose it would be more fun if I actually had a valentine to share it with (but then i'd be out eating a romantic candlelit dinner right now, instead of writing this) but I, in my nearly twenty years of existence on this planet we call home have NEVER had a valentine. I've had the odd boyfriend, but they were VERY few and far between, and not surprisingly never in conjunction with Valentines day. So no, I've never gotten a rose, or a card or a box of chocolates or a balloon or teddybear or anything really, to make today special.
I was at work all day, so I thought this would be a decent distraction to take my mind off all this nonsense that goes on... but no. No solace for me. All day, chocolates and bunches of roses and teddies and balloons paraded past. It's not that I blame them. If I were in their position, I'd do the same. But everytime I saw another expression of love float past, it stung a little bit inside. Like the barbed wire I put up around my heart to keep people out just tightened a little bit more.
I don't blame them, though, like i said. What I do blame is my unfortunate case of Abused Puppy Syndrome. I spend a great deal of time protecting myself, hiding from any sign of a risk that i might possibly be hurt, and then the moment someone does something nice, I gush like crazy and fall head over heels...possibly into love... i don't really know for sure. All I know is, the next thing, I'm constantly thinking about them, but i'm paralysed. I can't make the next step. I want it so bad, but I'm scared to death. Problem is, this is where I get stuck. Right here on the fence. Let me tell you, it is the most difficult place to be. Then, the side of my mind controlling logic kicks in again, and talks me out of moving forward altogether. It's better that way, it says. You'll be safe. So while a small part of me pulls forward, most of me is either frozen or pulling back, and hence, I never know what might have been.
Then, my logical side spends days talking my heart into believing that I didn't want it anyway. It would have ruined what was already there. And eventually, my heart begins to believe it. My heart's voice is weak now. Like when you ignore a puppy's barking, eventually it will quiet down. But no matter how quiet and inconspicuous the heart tries to make itself, the pain and longing is still very real. And no matter how hard you try to forget it, something will always remind you of the pain you try so hard to numb. A romantic movie, a novel, a song on the radio, a couple walking past holding hands... and worst of all, Valentines Day.
Thankfully, by my twentieth Valentines Day, I'm well enough practiced at hiding the wounds that try to reopen whenever this happens. A brave face hides my heavy heart and a lighthearted laugh cloaks my wounds, slowly growing larger, deeper, more permanent. No one is ever the wiser. They weren't this year either. Like usual, I pretended that a partner was the exact opposite of what I wanted right now. A happy, young, single girl with her whole life ahead of her. Who needs boys? That was my mantra. My defence.
Not that there was a lack of offers. It's just, they always tended to be the same kind as me - abused little puppies looking for someone to love them... my equals, I suppose. Not that that's what I want to think. Something inside me tells me I'm waiting for a little more than what they might behold for me. But, with APS, an unfortunate side effect is the complete inability to inform the hopeless puppies that I have no interest in pursuing...well, anything with them. For example, there was a hopeless case of a man who came in to bother me at work today. He struck up a conversation with me, and asked if I had a valentine today. Carelessly, I informed him of my lack of significant other to share the celebration with. I predicted his response before it even left his mouth. A pretty girl like yourself alone on Valentines Day? That's a crying shame. My witty response, planned well before he'd finished with his little gem; Not every pretty girl needs a pretty boy on Valentines day. I was proud of myself at the time, but now I just want to slap myself for being so lame. Good on you Lucy. You're just so darn clever.
So... what's a girl to do?
No comments:
Post a Comment