Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Lacking

You, my dearest, ever-faithful readers, are probably wondering what this current lack of posts is all about*.

Well, allow me to enlighten you.

Aside from the usual (being far too busy to even think about blogging/being preoccupied/being lazy/yada yada yada...) there has been a lack of posts on this blog as a result of a lack of direction. I don't know where to take you with each post, so the posts just don't get written. As a wise blogger once said, it's just as important to know when not to hit that "new post" button. There's no point me typing away for no good reason. I could fill you in on the mundane and not-so-mundane details of my life and its happenings, but I don't feel like it right now. 11:30 on a thursday night, you'll have to excuse me.

I've been considering direction a lot lately. I think the lack of direction on this blog directly reflects the lack of direction in my life. I mean, sure. I'm studying a course I love, there must be some sort of direction involved there, right? Maybe. I mean, I had to know what area roughly to go into to pick my course... but like a great deal many other things in life, there are many many subdivisions and specialisations within my broad area of study**.

Who here knows it is a stressful thing to constantly worry about direction? I thought this gnawing feeling at the back of my mind would leave once I started study and was busy Going Somewhere, but it never. goes. away. Should I go into Illustration? if so, illustrating what? Botanical sketches? Children's books? Graphic Novels? What if I can't make enough money in that field? What then? Should I explore Web design as a back up? Should I sell vectors/stock photos/fonts? Will it be enough to get me by? Will I ever get a job in New York/London like I hope? Am I selfish for being so preoccupied by my career, and not worrying enough about charity/missionary work/whatever else God might have planned for me? Am I being frivolous by going on another trip to China instead of saving my pennies/paying off my car? Am I ever going to earn enough to move out of home? Will I ever reach my 100 hours of driving practice on my logbook and get my licence? What is all this worrying doing to my health/skin/face? Why can't I just give it to God and be done with it? Why is it so hard to stop worrying? How come, every time I stop worrying about something, something else comes up?

Then, there's questions like, will I ever get a boyfriend? Could I ever let myself love another person freely? Why the heck can't I just let go of whatever is stopping me? What the heck is this invisible roadblock anyway? Why am I completely unable to move forward?***

Yeah. I'm a mess.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am currently refraining from hitting that "new post" button every second day or so...

Trust me, this is a good thing.

I'll see you all again when my thoughts are arranged in a slightly more orderly fashion. Oh, and remind me to post pictures of my stuff. I'd love to hear what you all think.

*Ok, let's be honest, you're probably not wondering at all. You've probably completely forgotten this blog is even present on your blogroll, since nothing ever pops up on your google reader...
**Which is, for those of you who have forgotten/are new and haven't read back yet, Graphic Design.

***I bet you got a headache just from trying to read all that. You deserve a medal for getting this far.