creativemachine

So I'm gonna skip the whole rigmarole of filling you guys in on where I've been and what I've been doing lately, since my life, it seems, has become so boring and repetitive that I find it difficult to find the energy and inspiration to sit down and share these things with you on a day-to-day basis. Mostly because it bores me to tears enough just living through parts, so I do my best to try not to RElive them. But also because most of my life lately, is just not share-worthy.

I am determined, however, to change this. I will at least try to clock in here at least daily, even if only for a few sentences, just to tell you guys what's up. Shareworthy or not. I miss blogging a lot. Like, a LOT.

I guess this is what it feels like to have writer's block. I just can't think of anything else to say.

All I can think about is how much I really really REALLY want a car and my licence and a MacBookPro, among other things, and how no matter how hard I try, how hard I work towards these things, circumstances always seem to conspire against my wishes. I really hate being so vague about this, but it's a sensitive issue, so that makes it kinda hard to disclose anymore details about it. But at the same time, I haven't had the chance to share this with anyone yet, and it feels like it's eating me from the inside out, so I can't keep it all to myself either. I'm like a pot about to boil over.

It just feels like I can't get anything right. I can't figure out what to study, I don't hang out with friends enough, I don't do enough chores, I don't have my licence yet, I don't have a boyfriend while one of my older sisters just got engaged and the other is getting close. All I do is work a nice safe job in a nice quiet pharmacy, and try to convince myself that I have it good and that it is enough. But I'm not listening to me. I don't want to hear what I'm trying to tell myself. I want to believe that things are all good. But they're not. Pharmacy work is fun, but it's not what I'm built for. I avoid doing a lot of things (hanging out with friends, engaging in meaningful relationships with real-life, tangible people, giving my time and effort and self to people or worthy causes) because in the past I have been hurt or disapointed or taken advantage of, and avoiding things is my coping mechanism. But at the same time, it's locking me up. I'm sacrificing my freedom to avoid the possibility of pain. I'm not striving for my independence as much as I could, or should, because I think, in some sick twisted way, I subconsciously don't think that I deserve it, so I'm sabotaging my own life and happiness through the medium of laziness and procrastination. You can't see this because all you can see are my words on your screen. But believe me. You don't want to see me in this state. It's messy.

Ok, wow. I haven't written such and emotionally-charged blog post since Valentines Day. And I was actually trying to be detatched about it.

Sorry guys. I'll be back to my normal self soon. I hope.